Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
same vibe as tangled headphones
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
i dont have time for this
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.