My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.