*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
reviewed some movies recently
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
necessity is the mother of invention
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.