When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely