You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]