“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis