I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.