My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I’m sure it’s fine.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!