If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Vodka burrito was a success
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*