You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.