*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night