the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.