Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
When you’re here for the treats.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…