I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
A little too much information.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately