[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?