Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Saw your ex at the shops
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream