I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
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Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”