9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May