I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.