“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
You Might Also Like
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.