Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
adding to the discourse
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.