i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that