Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*