The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.