my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent