The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
You Might Also Like
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter