The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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the best thing i’ve ever made
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Haha good job!!
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
IT’S-A ME,
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do