[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???