Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.