The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
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My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
😂🤣😂🤣
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.