Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
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Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Pickled cat.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car