Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
You Might Also Like
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Cheers Twitter.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.