*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.