They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.