Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
eggs benadryl
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”