“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!