Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”