plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
You Might Also Like
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy