me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
In Canada they just call them geese
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
This meal prepping shit easy
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
dads on road-trips be like
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”