SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”