Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn