Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Monday?
No. Next question.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.