I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day