Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
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The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
#polloftheday
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit