seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.