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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*