You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
🤯🤯🤯
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable