After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
#Caturday
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.