[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
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Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.