The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
You Might Also Like
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.